Don't take your partner for granted

Marriage is probably the most effective and challenging training program for developing character. Many of the encounters we have with our partners afford us an opportunity to practice self-control, kindness and respect. At any given moment, for example, you could be confronted with a choice between lashing out in anger or communicating your resentment. At another moment, the choice might be between taking your partner for granted or expressing appreciation.

The injunction to stop taking your partner for granted is unique among the 10 Things. The only way to fulfill it is by performing a positive act, namely showing appreciation. You're either taking your spouse for granted or your acknowledging her kindness. There's no middle ground. It is also the best means for overcoming selfishness. In order to reach the point where you have a real desire to express appreciation you have to uproot three negative attitudes -- a sense of entitlement, unrealistic expectations and conscious amnesia.

Entitlement is that sense that whatever you do for me I deserve, so why bother thanking you. It's the attitude that my needs come first and it's your job to meet them. Closely aligned with a sense of entitlement is the attitude that if I expect it, you're obligated to do it. With entitlement and expectations, we relate to our partners as if they are extensions of ourselves, not unlike a baby's relationship to his mother's breast. When he cries, he expects to be fed immediately. Conscious amnesia or mindlessness is the art of ignoring or forgetting the obvious. We become oblivious to those small and large kindnesses that our partners do for us. I suspect a sense of entitlement or expectation leads to a state of conscious amnesia.