Do it lovingly!

Instincts often tell us not to give up and admit defeat in times of disagreements especially if we are certain that we are right. But come to think of it, does it really matter who's right and who's not? In a relationship, it is never good to assert too much if it means you could hurt your partner. Let go of having to "be right!" If you must speak up, do it lovingly.

Never tell your partner that he is wrong straight in the face. If you do this, you may just stir a storm in a teacup and set about a violent outburst. Instead of having to be RIGHT, decide between your mate that it is more important to be HAPPY. Discuss in a loving way areas of mutual concern then agree on certain terms so that you prevent yourselves from meshing with future disagreements

Individual differences

When you first met, it may be the similarities you found with each other that instantly created the bond and rapport. However, as you knew each other better, it's your differences that potentially fashioned the strength of your relationship. Hence, it is important that you value the differences that make you unique as a couple. Perhaps, there might be times when you may want to change your partner into your view of his potential.

But even if you'd succeed in your crusade, chances are you'd lose respect for him for allowing you to have done it and for not having the personal strength to be himself. So it is better that you both learn to compromise and meet halfway everytime a conflict surges. Be ready to recognize each other's weaknesses and learn to appreciate what the other has to offer. Instead of seeing yourselves as separate individuals, practise seeing each other as an aspect of yourselves. In this way you shatter the illusion of separation and bridge the gap that's keeping you asunder.

Lovers Quarrel

One minute you seem like lovesick turtledoves teasing, laughing and giggling with all your might. Then a few minutes later, you begin yelling and berating each other and a lover's quarrel is already in progress. A little bantering was all it took to stoke up a rising emotional tension.

Every now and then, no matter how close and intimate a couple is, an argument occasionaly looms to create a tide in the relationship. Although sometimes it shakes a relationship down to its very core, if handled well, it is healthy and
can help create lasting relationships.

Sounding board

When your wife tells you her problems, she isn’t necessarily looking for a problem solver. She wants someone to listen to her and empathize with what’s going on in her life.

A husband who hears about his wife’s problems instinctively wants to come to the rescue. But most of the time, this isn’t what your wife is looking for. You need to fill the role more of a psychologist than that of a troubleshooter. Listen to her problems; show concern for those problems; show that you have empathy; but don’t always reply with “here’s what you need to do.”

When your wife comes to you with her problems, she isn’t looking for you to be her lawyer. And she certainly doesn’t need you to be her football coach, giving her fiery motivational speeches about how to beat her problem. She wants a counsellor, to listen to her problems and help her deal with their emotional impact.

Show Respect!

A good exercise for every husband is to try to show your wife respect. This dovetails with my previous point, but goes beyond that specific situation.

A major part of showing respect is to avoid the trap of being hyper-critical. Don’t criticize the way your wife dresses, cooks meals, parks the car or walks the dog. You might think you are instructing your wife, but you are actually showing disrespect for the decisions you make.

Actions are just as important as words. Don’t make decisions that normally a married couple makes together. This shows you have no respect for her opinion.

Also, try to avoid certain intonations with your wife, the kind that can be described as “talking down” to her. A woman can pick up on these as well or better than a man can. These tell her you have contempt for whatever is she’s doing, that you are treating her like a child or even your pet. Showing a lack of respect is one of the surest ways to poison a marriage.

Reasons for getting married

The primary motive for getting married is because you love each other and want to be together, but each of you may have other reasons for wanting to wed - other needs that you have to fulfil if the marriage is going to work.

Which of the following reasons for marrying apply to you? Tick as many as you agree with, then compare notes and talk through your differences.

Your partner's reasons for marrying may not fit with yours. If you're feeling angry or upset you need to talk the issue through. A common difference is one partner marrying as a sign of commitment but the other partner marrying because he or she wants children. The aim of this exercise is to get to a point where you understand, appreciate and respect each other's motives, even if they differ

Don' threaten!

The creative and destructive potentials of a marital relationship are enormous. Even the most loving relationship can degenerate into a vicious struggle between bitter enemies. In this dangerous marital game, nothing is sweeter than getting even and the only thing that counts is winning. Verbal and physical threats and abuse become the weapons of marital discord.

The only advice I can give to a couple that is engaged in such a struggle is: Seek professional help or, in the case of physical abuse, find immediate protection. Fortunately, most of us are not contestants in such a fierce and destructive battle. More than that, I'm assuming that each of you wants to learn how to create a peaceful and loving relationship. If so, let me be bold enough to offer a stern warning. Never threaten your partner or act in any way that frightens, intimidates or abuses her.

No matter how angry you are, make the following pledge to yourself: Under no circumstances whatsoever will I at any time make a verbal or physical threat toward my spouse. If it's not clear to you what a threat is, let me define it as any statement, gesture or act that is designed to create physical or emotional pain in your partner. A partner who threatens is a partner who feels deeply hurt and wounded by his spouse. The only way she knows to relieve her suffering is by making her spouse feel as miserable as she. If getting even seems more important than being heard, then you're one small step from a dangerous crisis.

If I were to ask most couples in an abusive relationship if they really want to hurt each other, they would invariably respond with the following answers: "No, I just get so frustrated when she doesn't hear me that I just lose it." Or, "I hate what's happening to us, but I've tried so hard to get him to understand me and he just refuses to listen. So, now all I want to do is hurt him." Out of pain and frustration, some couples resort to emotional and physical violence, believing it to be the only way they can protect themselves.

Don't act out

Acting out is indirectly expressing feelings and emotions through behavior. In marriage, couples act out by making messes, by withdrawing, by being emotionally and physically abusive, by becoming depressed, by being irresponsible with money and even by attempting suicide. There is no end to the ways that we have of saying, "I'm really angry at you."

One of the most common forms of acting out behavior is by being passive aggressive. Some typical examples of passive aggressive behavior are promising to do something and then failing to do it, leaving your clothes strewn around the room, being irresponsible with money, playing helpless and being uninterested in marital relations.

So, what is the solution for acting out behavior? The answer, not surprisingly, is direct communication -- learning how to say to your partner what's really on your mind. Acting out behavior masks the real problem and instead focuses the couple on the behavior itself.

Don't blame

How easy it is to say, "It's your fault. You made me do it. It's because of you that things are so bad between us. You're the reason I feel so miserable." It's so hard to look at ourselves and ask, "What's my part in creating the difficulties between us?"

Blaming is a form of disempowerment. In essence, when I blame I am saying to my partner that she controls my feelings and behavior. My relationship to her is like that of Pavlov's dog -- the bell rings, the dog salivates. My wife forgets to say hello, and I blow up.

When we blame, we deny our partner the opportunity to think seriously about our words and to respond in a thoughtful manner. Instead of expressing our legitimate grievances and feelings, we accuse and threaten, which only invites a similar response. The result is either a skirmish or an all out war, and, as we so painfully understand, all is fair in love and war and marriage is both.

So, what's the antidote to blaming? The answer is simple: Take responsibility for yourself. Putting it into practice, however, is a challenge. It's hard to give up that feeling of being right. It's so difficult to let go of that need to force a confession out of our partners. I'll let you in on a marital truth: Being "right" in a relationship is the booby prize. You win; the relationship loses. If you want the relationship to win, try looking hard at what your part is in creating the conflict. Ask yourself, "What am I doing to create distance and hurt?"

Don't take your partner for granted

Marriage is probably the most effective and challenging training program for developing character. Many of the encounters we have with our partners afford us an opportunity to practice self-control, kindness and respect. At any given moment, for example, you could be confronted with a choice between lashing out in anger or communicating your resentment. At another moment, the choice might be between taking your partner for granted or expressing appreciation.

The injunction to stop taking your partner for granted is unique among the 10 Things. The only way to fulfill it is by performing a positive act, namely showing appreciation. You're either taking your spouse for granted or your acknowledging her kindness. There's no middle ground. It is also the best means for overcoming selfishness. In order to reach the point where you have a real desire to express appreciation you have to uproot three negative attitudes -- a sense of entitlement, unrealistic expectations and conscious amnesia.

Entitlement is that sense that whatever you do for me I deserve, so why bother thanking you. It's the attitude that my needs come first and it's your job to meet them. Closely aligned with a sense of entitlement is the attitude that if I expect it, you're obligated to do it. With entitlement and expectations, we relate to our partners as if they are extensions of ourselves, not unlike a baby's relationship to his mother's breast. When he cries, he expects to be fed immediately. Conscious amnesia or mindlessness is the art of ignoring or forgetting the obvious. We become oblivious to those small and large kindnesses that our partners do for us. I suspect a sense of entitlement or expectation leads to a state of conscious amnesia.

Silence As A Weapon

Silence is a deadly weapon. It's far better for a couple to engage in a non-violent, verbal fight where at least they can express what's bothering them than to resort to an icy silence where all they can do is imagine how many different ways they're angry with one other.

Silence is a form of emotional banishment. We punish our partners by cutting them off and refusing to acknowledge their existence. An angry silence communicates the message that my partner is the guilty party and if she wishes any further contact with me, then she will have to apologize and ask for my forgiveness. It is a powerful form of control and manipulation and has no place in a marriage.

Therefore, in order to resolve conflicts effectively, you need to learn how to express resentments in a way that can be heard, acknowledged and resolved. That skill is of utmost importance in a marriage; without it, small problems become major catastrophes.

So, how do you learn to say all those things that are so hard to say? And, how do you say them to a partner who may be reactive? There are no simple answers and like with the previous injunction of "Don't Say Yes, When You Mean No," you may need to seek professional help to learn how to resolve your marital difficulties. However, before you make that decision try the following exercise to help you to express your anger.

Avoid mind reading

Don't assume that you know what your partner is thinking and feeling. There's a good chance you could be wrong, and wrong assumptions cause unnecessary conflict.

Imagine this situation. You walk into the living room and there's your husband sitting on his favorite chair glaring at the wall. His lips are tight; his jaw is clenched. Your immediate reaction: fear! "What did I do? Why is he so angry at me?" You tentatively approach him, "What's the matter, David?" you ask, expecting him to pour his wrath upon you. David slowly turns toward you. The tense, angry look begins to melt and he says sadly, "I've been laid off." "Thank God," you almost blurt out, "at least it wasn't me."

In this case, the woman checked out her assumptions and discovered that her husband wasn't upset with her. Yet, how often does it happen that we make the wrong assumptions and just go on believing them without ever discovering if they're true?

It often happens during the process of marital therapy that assumptions, illusions and fantasies are exposed as false or only partially true. For example, the angry, critical husband who supposedly hates his wife might in fact be an insecure man who is convinced that his wife doesn't love him. Perhaps, as in one case that I know of, a distant, rejecting wife turned out to be a very sad woman, grieving the loss of her mother. Don't assume. Check it out.

Patience for the Future

In our world of instant communication, we are no longer used to waiting. In order to succeed in marriage, however, you must have the patience to allow your spouse to change, to grow, and to overcome the obstacles that he or she has been born with. People do change, but it takes years. Marriage is not instant. Changing oneself is not instant. You must learn to have patience with the other person’s foibles and carry them until they can change.

And that is what marriage is about — learning to have patience to allow the other person to become better, and to schlep around their idiosyncrasies until that happens.

Like everything that is worth having, a happy, successful marriage requires work. But there is not a more worthwhile investment in the world. Nothing is as rewarding as a good marriage.

Whether you are a single person -- may God send your soul mate speedily -- a newlywed, or an old hand at marriage, remember that marriage is about giving, about caring enough to criticize respectfully, about willing to forget and to forego -- about willing to make that change from caterpillar to butterfly.

Turn towards each other

When you pass your spouse sitting at her desk doing some work, do you stop and rub her shoulders, give her a kiss on the cheek, and whisper something nice in her ear -- or do you just walk on by? This is the meaning of "turning toward" as opposed to "turning away."

Marriage research shows that happily married couples do a lot of turning toward each other whenever they get the chance. They look for ways to be physically and emotionally close to each other. Turning toward each other means making each other your number one priority.

Another important aspect of turning toward each other is doing things together that you both enjoy. Taking walks together, drinking coffee together after dinner, learning Torah together, and listening to music together, are all examples of how couples turn toward each other.

A powerful way to turn toward each other is to show the ultimate respect -- by standing when your spouse enters the room. Sounds old-fashioned? It is. But it's a powerful way to turn toward your spouse, make him/her feel very special.

Couples who "turn away" from each other don't develop closeness. It's a basic principle stated in the Talmud, "A good deed begets another good deed. A bad deed begets another bad deed."

Create a safe place to discuss issues openly and honestly

Abusive relationships are ones in which you are afraid to express feelings and opinions. Happily married couples create a sense of safety that allows each person to feel comfortable expressing his/her feelings, problems, and dissatisfactions. This sense of safety is the foundation upon which a couple negotiates things that are bothering them.

It's common for each person to come into a relationship with certain expectations about how things will be. But without the ability to communicate and negotiate, these issues become sources for power struggles that almost always damage the relationship.

Give each other pleasure

Happily married couples are committed to the goal of giving each other pleasure. You must stay focused on the ultimate goal -- which is to give each other pleasure and not cause pain. It sounds simple enough, but can be very hard in practice.

For just one day, try to maintain a consciousness with everything you do, by asking yourself, "Is what I'm about to do or say going to cause my spouse pain or pleasure?"

To monitor how you're doing, each of you should make two lists: One for all the things your spouse does to cause you pain, and another which identifies what you would like your spouse to do to give you pleasure. Swap lists, and now you know exactly what to do and what not to do. No more mind reading!