The bright side shines through

Small details really matter

2010-08-31T15:34:00.005+08:00

I really inspired by this story...so I rather share it with you all!

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.
Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.

She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.

When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.

She requested that every day for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife's divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.

I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.

Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead. My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.-- At least, in the eyes of our son--- I'm a loving husband....

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

If you don't share this, nothing will happen to you.

If you do, you just might save a marriage. Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.

A CHRIST-CENTERED MARRIAGE IS A MARRIAGE THAT IS SURE TO LAST A LIFETIME.

So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate. Matthew 19:6.

By: Stephanie Hamilton

Improving your marriage

2010-06-25T16:06:00.001+08:00

For a successful relationship, each person needs to feel loved by the other. Not only does everyone need to receive love in his language, but he will be hurt more by negative acts in that language. For instance, someone who responds best to words will be especially hurt by criticism, or someone who responds best to gifts will be especially hurt by taking an item of his without permission. This book describes in detail the qualities of a person who needs each of these languages and specific ways that someone who is unaccustomed to that language can begin to express love using it.

Discovering a mate's love language is the key to filling his or her emotional tank. Oftentimes people show love according to how they would like to be loved, though it may not be the love language of the other person. Also, if a person can understand his or her own preferred avenue for receiving love, it will help to specifically ask for things that demonstrate it.

article written by Kelly Pfeiffer

tribute to father

2010-06-20T03:49:00.002+08:00

"Honor your father and mother.” This is the first of the Ten Commandments that ends with a promise. And this is the promise: If you honor your father and mother, "you will live a long life, full of blessing.” And now a word to you fathers. Don't make your children angry by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction approved by the Lord. Ephesians Chapter 6 verses 2 - 4

Fathers are the biggest source of strength for a child. The innocent eyes of a child perceive father as the all-powerful, most knowledge, truly affectionate and the most important person in the family. For daughters, fathers are the first men they adore and fall in love with. While for sons their fathers are the strongest person they know and someone they aspire to emulate.

Even for the grownups fathers are someone whom they look up to for the most experienced and honest advice that is always in the best of our interest. For this great figure in our life that we know as father - it becomes our utmost duty to pay our humblest tribute on the occasion of Father's Day.

Never stop communicating

2010-06-16T04:08:00.000+08:00

Good communication is a fundamental part of a healthy relationship. When people stop communicating well, they stop relating well, and times of change or stress can really bring out disconnect. As long as you are communicating, you can work through whatever problem you’re facing.

Each of us is a little different in how we best receive information. Some people might respond better to sight, sound or touch. Your partner’s responses may be different from yours. Take some time to learn your partner’s cues, and be sure to communicate your own as well. For example, one person might find a brief massage after a stressful day a loving mode of communication—while another might just want to talk over a hot cup of tea.

So much of our communication is transmitted by what we don’t say. Nonverbal cues such as eye contact, leaning forward or away, or touching someone’s arm communicate much more than words. For a relationship to work well, each person has to be receptive to sending and receiving nonverbal cues. Learning to understand this “body language” can help you understand better what your partner is trying to say. Think about what you are transmitting as well, and if what you say matches what you feel. If you insist “I’m fine”, while clenching your teeth and looking away, your body is clearly signaling you are not.

Love unconditionally

2010-05-14T06:06:00.001+08:00

Loving unconditionally is the best freeing kind of love…because you do not rely on others to love, you love first and last…this love is love that is not dependent on others~ it is within our selves…and it is quite wonderful…this is the love that we all desire, that we all search for, and is within each of us, if we allow it and embrace it.
Embrace it~ it is the first step in truly loving

You need to develop a strong will power to be able to love unconditionally. At some point in our lives we all demand some kind of love and want to express our own love for someone. Believe in the principle of giving more and demanding less. When someone asks you for a favor always be ready to give it. Never complain that you don't have enough or you have other tasks to do. Set your priorities in such a way that everyone else comes first and your own demands come last.

When you love somebody unconditionally you want the best for that person. Think positively about them even if they make mistakes or do not return your feelings. Give them sincere advice about their future and other decisions. Always look around for the betterment of your loved ones without any envy on your part. If you have to sacrifice something of your own for them, don't hesitate to do so. Only then you will truly be able to love unconditionally.

Lord, I offer you my life

2010-03-29T17:40:00.000+08:00

Do it lovingly!

2010-03-06T08:50:00.000+08:00

Instincts often tell us not to give up and admit defeat in times of disagreements especially if we are certain that we are right. But come to think of it, does it really matter who's right and who's not? In a relationship, it is never good to assert too much if it means you could hurt your partner. Let go of having to "be right!" If you must speak up, do it lovingly.

Never tell your partner that he is wrong straight in the face. If you do this, you may just stir a storm in a teacup and set about a violent outburst. Instead of having to be RIGHT, decide between your mate that it is more important to be HAPPY. Discuss in a loving way areas of mutual concern then agree on certain terms so that you prevent yourselves from meshing with future disagreements

Individual differences

2010-03-05T08:49:00.000+08:00

When you first met, it may be the similarities you found with each other that instantly created the bond and rapport. However, as you knew each other better, it's your differences that potentially fashioned the strength of your relationship. Hence, it is important that you value the differences that make you unique as a couple. Perhaps, there might be times when you may want to change your partner into your view of his potential.

But even if you'd succeed in your crusade, chances are you'd lose respect for him for allowing you to have done it and for not having the personal strength to be himself. So it is better that you both learn to compromise and meet halfway everytime a conflict surges. Be ready to recognize each other's weaknesses and learn to appreciate what the other has to offer. Instead of seeing yourselves as separate individuals, practise seeing each other as an aspect of yourselves. In this way you shatter the illusion of separation and bridge the gap that's keeping you asunder.

Money matters

2010-03-04T08:47:00.000+08:00

When you're going through the honeymoon phase of your relationship, money may not be much of an issue. Nonetheless, as the relationship progresses, power struggles and control issues around money may just start surfacing. This creates tension that if not resolved, can put a serious damper on the relationship. Where critical differences exist in your financial expectations, try to negotiate. Work out a way of managing your finances that gives you both some control. In any case, if one is earning more than the other, he/she shouldn't hold all the control because even if the other is contributing less in the financial aspect, that does not mean he/she is contributing any less in other areas of the relationship. Over all of this, if there are still issues, sit and talk things over. Discussion and cooperation may not confer instant solutions to difficult financial issues, but knowing you and your partner agree about how to approach the situation will help maintain the zing in your relationship.

Arguments by nature are difficult and can even be hurtful and frustrating. And yet, they are a normal natural aspect of any relationship. Like the salt to meat dishes, they add flavor to the lives of couples and help build better relationships. On the other hand, if disputes are handled poorly, they can also potentially wreck a strong relationship. So, in order to avoid this, every disagreement should be carefully handled in a way that would boost relationship satisfaction and pave the way for new growth together. Truly, it's fun to fight and make up (and out) after knowing you have worked together through it all.

Lovers Quarrel

2010-03-03T08:44:00.000+08:00

One minute you seem like lovesick turtledoves teasing, laughing and giggling with all your might. Then a few minutes later, you begin yelling and berating each other and a lover's quarrel is already in progress. A little bantering was all it took to stoke up a rising emotional tension.

Every now and then, no matter how close and intimate a couple is, an argument occasionaly looms to create a tide in the relationship. Although sometimes it shakes a relationship down to its very core, if handled well, it is healthy and
can help create lasting relationships.

Sounding board

2010-03-01T22:21:00.000+08:00

When your wife tells you her problems, she isn’t necessarily looking for a problem solver. She wants someone to listen to her and empathize with what’s going on in her life.

A husband who hears about his wife’s problems instinctively wants to come to the rescue. But most of the time, this isn’t what your wife is looking for. You need to fill the role more of a psychologist than that of a troubleshooter. Listen to her problems; show concern for those problems; show that you have empathy; but don’t always reply with “here’s what you need to do.”

When your wife comes to you with her problems, she isn’t looking for you to be her lawyer. And she certainly doesn’t need you to be her football coach, giving her fiery motivational speeches about how to beat her problem. She wants a counsellor, to listen to her problems and help her deal with their emotional impact.

Show Respect!

2010-02-28T22:17:00.001+08:00

A good exercise for every husband is to try to show your wife respect. This dovetails with my previous point, but goes beyond that specific situation.

A major part of showing respect is to avoid the trap of being hyper-critical. Don’t criticize the way your wife dresses, cooks meals, parks the car or walks the dog. You might think you are instructing your wife, but you are actually showing disrespect for the decisions you make.

Actions are just as important as words. Don’t make decisions that normally a married couple makes together. This shows you have no respect for her opinion.

Also, try to avoid certain intonations with your wife, the kind that can be described as “talking down” to her. A woman can pick up on these as well or better than a man can. These tell her you have contempt for whatever is she’s doing, that you are treating her like a child or even your pet. Showing a lack of respect is one of the surest ways to poison a marriage.

Reasons for getting married

2010-02-24T22:36:00.004+08:00

The primary motive for getting married is because you love each other and want to be together, but each of you may have other reasons for wanting to wed - other needs that you have to fulfil if the marriage is going to work.

Which of the following reasons for marrying apply to you? Tick as many as you agree with, then compare notes and talk through your differences.

Your partner's reasons for marrying may not fit with yours. If you're feeling angry or upset you need to talk the issue through. A common difference is one partner marrying as a sign of commitment but the other partner marrying because he or she wants children. The aim of this exercise is to get to a point where you understand, appreciate and respect each other's motives, even if they differ

2010-02-14T20:09:00.000+08:00

Respect

2010-02-13T22:34:00.000+08:00

Respect, R-E-S-P-E-C-T as Aretha Franklin sang it, is a critical component of freedom. It's the partner of freedom in that respecting another person's competence and individuality provides the positive support so important to freedom.

A contrast makes this point: suppose someone grants you the freedom to follow your dream with an underlying current of disrespect. It might sound something like, "Go ahead if you must, I'll be right here after you've chased that dream." In other words, the person thinks you'll fail and you'll come crawling back.

The same scenario with respect might sound like, "Go ahead, I know how important this is to you and I support you 100%. I know you can do it!" Obviously, we'd all like to hear this latter response because of the inherent respect and support it conveys.

CameraCritters #6

2010-02-13T20:43:00.001+08:00

Committed Relationship

2010-02-12T22:24:00.002+08:00

Fundamental to a strong relationship is commitment. Commitment to making the relationship strong and healthy is the foundation on which it can grow. Relationships take work. They take effort. Like life itself, relationships are dynamic, ever changing because we are ever changing. A strong relationship requires continuous nurturing, and that takes commitment.

Commitment to the relationship means unconditionally caring about maintaining and improving the relationship, even during times of anger or disappointment. There may be times when you aren't even sure you like the other person, but if you're committed you'll spend the effort to sustain the relationship during tough times.

Today's Flower #3

2010-02-07T17:33:00.001+08:00

Camera Critters #5

2010-02-06T14:15:00.003+08:00

Resolving relationship problem

2010-02-02T13:12:00.003+08:00

Keeping a relationship strong and happy is one of the hardest things to do in life. In order to make things work, both partners have to learn how to bend and adjust throughout the years. There are a wide variety of problems and situations that can pop p which test the strength of relationship overtime and can potential cause it to end.

The best thing to do when you begin the process of solving relationship problems is to sit down and make a list with your partner. This can be done either separately or together, but it should include issues that both of your have with the relationship. By doing this, you can see the various sides of the problems you face and can better go about fixing them.

Talking about your feelings and working through your problems is something that men struggle with more than women, but it is a necessary part of saving a relationship. Each of you should take turns saying how you feel about a specific situation and you should both avoid using accusing words or phrases that make it sound like everything is your partner’s fault.

Independence is good

2010-01-28T16:17:00.000+08:00

Because you'll not always be thinking about your every move to make sure he's there to hold your hand. And by not always mentally editing your actions, thoughts and feelings to make sure he approves, you'll have more inner confidence too.

You'll also have a better relationship because no one wants a clingy, dependent mate. They want a partner with their own ideas, their own passions, their own life; someone who stays because they care, not because they're scared of being alone. The bottom line is that while too much is a bad sign, some interdependence is vital in love.

Improving relationship

2010-01-27T15:45:00.001+08:00

There is no universal, ideal model against which a relationship can be evaluated. A "good relationship" is one that works for both partners and effectively supports them in achieving their goals. If this is not working at some point, it does not necessarily mean that the couple requires therapy. All relationships tend to encounter problems during stressful periods and at different stages, and many couples are able to resolve their difficulties without professional help. Some couples find that they are able to do so at one stage but not at another. Others may find that they are continually unhappy with their relationship. Sometimes one partner feels frustrated and misunderstood while his or her mate is totally unaware of the situation.

If the couple are unable to resolve issues in a manner that is acceptable to both partners, professional help should be considered. Many couples only consider therapy as a last resort. It may however, be helpful at any time, and sometimes seeking therapy soon after things get "stuck" prevents a buildup of frustration and disappointment.

Couple therapy is a means of resolving problems and conflicts that couples have not been able to handle effectively on their own. It involves both partners sitting down with a trained professional to discuss their thoughts and feelings. The aim is to help them gain a better understanding of themselves and their partner, to decide if they need and want to make changes, and if so, to help them to do so.

Today's Flower #2

2010-01-24T23:04:00.003+08:00

Camera Critters #4

2010-01-16T18:18:00.000+08:00

Making Time For Yourself

2010-01-13T18:07:00.002+08:00

Spending too much time with someone for too long can be overwhelming. You may discover that taking a solo trip refreshes you, as well as your partner. You may find that you will miss your partner and it may take some time alone to realize this.

Focusing on yourself for a bit may, in turn, help you to focus on your relationship. For example, while you're on your own, you may discover that your partner often speaks for you. Understanding the root cause of this problem may help you communicate the issues to your partner more effectively.

If you and your partner are having relationship problems you should try to look at the problem and sit down with them to have a heart to heart alone talk with no interruptions. If this still does not work and you are still having relationship problems then counseling may be a good option.

The relationship is an investment in time and emotion. Because of this, you should take advantage of the time you spend together and, in a constructive way, come to terms with why the problems are occurring.

Listening, Talking, Then Speaking

2010-01-12T18:03:00.000+08:00

If a conversation is brought up, and an argument happens, you should try to think why the argument came about. Sometimes you can provoke the argument, and you are not aware you are doing so.

For example, constantly criticizing your partner or dwelling on small details in a negative way is a way of provoking confrontation and not knowing it. Maybe you always harp on her clothes. Alternately, perhaps you incessantly complain that he's late when he comes home.

It doesn't matter what it is, if you discover this is happening, you should try to listen carefully when you speak. You should try to look into the future what will happen if you happen to say this or do that. You are the person who knows your partner better than anyone else; therefore use this to your advantage. Understand what triggers the arguments, and you may be able to solve them before they start.

Don' threaten!

2010-01-11T07:49:00.000+08:00

The creative and destructive potentials of a marital relationship are enormous. Even the most loving relationship can degenerate into a vicious struggle between bitter enemies. In this dangerous marital game, nothing is sweeter than getting even and the only thing that counts is winning. Verbal and physical threats and abuse become the weapons of marital discord.

The only advice I can give to a couple that is engaged in such a struggle is: Seek professional help or, in the case of physical abuse, find immediate protection. Fortunately, most of us are not contestants in such a fierce and destructive battle. More than that, I'm assuming that each of you wants to learn how to create a peaceful and loving relationship. If so, let me be bold enough to offer a stern warning. Never threaten your partner or act in any way that frightens, intimidates or abuses her.

No matter how angry you are, make the following pledge to yourself: Under no circumstances whatsoever will I at any time make a verbal or physical threat toward my spouse. If it's not clear to you what a threat is, let me define it as any statement, gesture or act that is designed to create physical or emotional pain in your partner. A partner who threatens is a partner who feels deeply hurt and wounded by his spouse. The only way she knows to relieve her suffering is by making her spouse feel as miserable as she. If getting even seems more important than being heard, then you're one small step from a dangerous crisis.

If I were to ask most couples in an abusive relationship if they really want to hurt each other, they would invariably respond with the following answers: "No, I just get so frustrated when she doesn't hear me that I just lose it." Or, "I hate what's happening to us, but I've tried so hard to get him to understand me and he just refuses to listen. So, now all I want to do is hurt him." Out of pain and frustration, some couples resort to emotional and physical violence, believing it to be the only way they can protect themselves.

Todays flower

2010-01-10T21:10:00.003+08:00

Camera critters #3

2010-01-09T18:13:00.000+08:00

Don't act out

2010-01-08T07:42:00.000+08:00

Acting out is indirectly expressing feelings and emotions through behavior. In marriage, couples act out by making messes, by withdrawing, by being emotionally and physically abusive, by becoming depressed, by being irresponsible with money and even by attempting suicide. There is no end to the ways that we have of saying, "I'm really angry at you."

One of the most common forms of acting out behavior is by being passive aggressive. Some typical examples of passive aggressive behavior are promising to do something and then failing to do it, leaving your clothes strewn around the room, being irresponsible with money, playing helpless and being uninterested in marital relations.

So, what is the solution for acting out behavior? The answer, not surprisingly, is direct communication -- learning how to say to your partner what's really on your mind. Acting out behavior masks the real problem and instead focuses the couple on the behavior itself.

Get rid of discounting statements

2010-01-07T07:38:00.000+08:00

A discount is a remark designed to reduce your partner's self worth. Some examples of discounting statements are: "You're so lazy." "You're irresponsible and untrustworthy." "You're a terrible father and an awful husband." It's amazing how creative we can be when it comes to identifying our partner's blemishes. Most likely, each one of us can compile a detailed list of our partners' bad habits, unacceptable character traits and generally difficult behaviors. In the midst of an argument, the temptation to use this information can be overwhelmingly powerful.

Try to resist. If not, you can be sure your partner will react in one of two ways: he or she will either respond in kind or deny. Neither reaction solves problems or creates intimacy.

Instead of making angry statements that begin with "You," try making "I" statements. Examples of "I" statements are: "I feel angry when..." "I resent it when you do such and such a thing..." Not "You are such an idiot! "You are such a slob!" "You always leave messes!" "You're just like your mother. Both of you are disorganized incompetents." Her behavior won't change because of that piece of feedback.

However, it might, if you were to say, "You know, Greg, it bothers me when the house is not clean. I know you're busy and I know it's hard for you but I would appreciate it if you could clean it up." Now, I'm not promising that he won't be defensive, but I do believe he'll be less reactive than if you were to criticize him for his sloppy behavior.

Don't blame

2010-01-06T07:13:00.000+08:00

How easy it is to say, "It's your fault. You made me do it. It's because of you that things are so bad between us. You're the reason I feel so miserable." It's so hard to look at ourselves and ask, "What's my part in creating the difficulties between us?"

Blaming is a form of disempowerment. In essence, when I blame I am saying to my partner that she controls my feelings and behavior. My relationship to her is like that of Pavlov's dog -- the bell rings, the dog salivates. My wife forgets to say hello, and I blow up.

When we blame, we deny our partner the opportunity to think seriously about our words and to respond in a thoughtful manner. Instead of expressing our legitimate grievances and feelings, we accuse and threaten, which only invites a similar response. The result is either a skirmish or an all out war, and, as we so painfully understand, all is fair in love and war and marriage is both.

So, what's the antidote to blaming? The answer is simple: Take responsibility for yourself. Putting it into practice, however, is a challenge. It's hard to give up that feeling of being right. It's so difficult to let go of that need to force a confession out of our partners. I'll let you in on a marital truth: Being "right" in a relationship is the booby prize. You win; the relationship loses. If you want the relationship to win, try looking hard at what your part is in creating the conflict. Ask yourself, "What am I doing to create distance and hurt?"

Don't take your partner for granted

2010-01-05T07:23:00.000+08:00

Marriage is probably the most effective and challenging training program for developing character. Many of the encounters we have with our partners afford us an opportunity to practice self-control, kindness and respect. At any given moment, for example, you could be confronted with a choice between lashing out in anger or communicating your resentment. At another moment, the choice might be between taking your partner for granted or expressing appreciation.

The injunction to stop taking your partner for granted is unique among the 10 Things. The only way to fulfill it is by performing a positive act, namely showing appreciation. You're either taking your spouse for granted or your acknowledging her kindness. There's no middle ground. It is also the best means for overcoming selfishness. In order to reach the point where you have a real desire to express appreciation you have to uproot three negative attitudes -- a sense of entitlement, unrealistic expectations and conscious amnesia.

Entitlement is that sense that whatever you do for me I deserve, so why bother thanking you. It's the attitude that my needs come first and it's your job to meet them. Closely aligned with a sense of entitlement is the attitude that if I expect it, you're obligated to do it. With entitlement and expectations, we relate to our partners as if they are extensions of ourselves, not unlike a baby's relationship to his mother's breast. When he cries, he expects to be fed immediately. Conscious amnesia or mindlessness is the art of ignoring or forgetting the obvious. We become oblivious to those small and large kindnesses that our partners do for us. I suspect a sense of entitlement or expectation leads to a state of conscious amnesia.

Silence As A Weapon

2010-01-04T07:30:00.000+08:00

Silence is a deadly weapon. It's far better for a couple to engage in a non-violent, verbal fight where at least they can express what's bothering them than to resort to an icy silence where all they can do is imagine how many different ways they're angry with one other.

Silence is a form of emotional banishment. We punish our partners by cutting them off and refusing to acknowledge their existence. An angry silence communicates the message that my partner is the guilty party and if she wishes any further contact with me, then she will have to apologize and ask for my forgiveness. It is a powerful form of control and manipulation and has no place in a marriage.

Therefore, in order to resolve conflicts effectively, you need to learn how to express resentments in a way that can be heard, acknowledged and resolved. That skill is of utmost importance in a marriage; without it, small problems become major catastrophes.

So, how do you learn to say all those things that are so hard to say? And, how do you say them to a partner who may be reactive? There are no simple answers and like with the previous injunction of "Don't Say Yes, When You Mean No," you may need to seek professional help to learn how to resolve your marital difficulties. However, before you make that decision try the following exercise to help you to express your anger.

Making time for one another

2010-01-03T18:00:00.000+08:00

There's no simple way around it, our lives are busy places. That time spent elsewhere, though, means time you're choosing not to focus on your relationship, and that can cause some real problems. Set aside time just to spend with your partner.

After being in the relationship for a long period of time, this can be the only way get control of the spiraling problems you may be experiencing. Try to set aside some time where you can have a good conversation or go for a walk. Setting aside some time to enjoy your time together can help make a healthier relationship.

Camera Critters #2

2010-01-02T18:10:00.002+08:00

Take Your Relationship To a New Place

2010-01-02T17:57:00.002+08:00

Getting away from the norm can be a healthy thing for a long relationship. Long relationships tend to create habits and routines that are hard to break for both partners. It is important to stay spontaneous in your relationship and this is not a new concept but a very true one. You can easily fall into routines such as getting up, going to work, coming home, eating, watching TV and then going to bed.

Try to spice it up a little and make different plans every few days and a couple of weekends a month. Remember, though, it is difficult to make these changes every single day, so try to space them out. Shaking things up too much can be as big of a problem as sticking with a routine.

There are lots of ways to break those routines. It doesn't matter if it is for a week, weekend, or just the day, as some time away from the norm can be very therapeutic. A nice option is to find a place where the romance can ignite, as you have some alone time with your partner.

Unfortunately, until it happens to them, many people do not think that living with an individual can make them lonelier than they've ever been in their lives. Studies indicate, though, that thousands in a committed relationship feel alone.

Not many people in relationships spend a lot of time with their partner, and they tend to take them for granted. Sometimes there are days when the couple does not even talk about anything that has real meaning. This can be negative on both sides, and by exerting some effort to pay more attention to your partner it can bring about a healthier relationship. Getting away from those old routines can help get the two of you where you need to be.

Avoid mind reading

2009-12-31T07:18:00.001+08:00

Don't assume that you know what your partner is thinking and feeling. There's a good chance you could be wrong, and wrong assumptions cause unnecessary conflict.

Imagine this situation. You walk into the living room and there's your husband sitting on his favorite chair glaring at the wall. His lips are tight; his jaw is clenched. Your immediate reaction: fear! "What did I do? Why is he so angry at me?" You tentatively approach him, "What's the matter, David?" you ask, expecting him to pour his wrath upon you. David slowly turns toward you. The tense, angry look begins to melt and he says sadly, "I've been laid off." "Thank God," you almost blurt out, "at least it wasn't me."

In this case, the woman checked out her assumptions and discovered that her husband wasn't upset with her. Yet, how often does it happen that we make the wrong assumptions and just go on believing them without ever discovering if they're true?

It often happens during the process of marital therapy that assumptions, illusions and fantasies are exposed as false or only partially true. For example, the angry, critical husband who supposedly hates his wife might in fact be an insecure man who is convinced that his wife doesn't love him. Perhaps, as in one case that I know of, a distant, rejecting wife turned out to be a very sad woman, grieving the loss of her mother. Don't assume. Check it out.

Patience for the Future

2009-12-30T07:00:00.000+08:00

In our world of instant communication, we are no longer used to waiting. In order to succeed in marriage, however, you must have the patience to allow your spouse to change, to grow, and to overcome the obstacles that he or she has been born with. People do change, but it takes years. Marriage is not instant. Changing oneself is not instant. You must learn to have patience with the other person’s foibles and carry them until they can change.

And that is what marriage is about — learning to have patience to allow the other person to become better, and to schlep around their idiosyncrasies until that happens.

Like everything that is worth having, a happy, successful marriage requires work. But there is not a more worthwhile investment in the world. Nothing is as rewarding as a good marriage.

Whether you are a single person -- may God send your soul mate speedily -- a newlywed, or an old hand at marriage, remember that marriage is about giving, about caring enough to criticize respectfully, about willing to forget and to forego -- about willing to make that change from caterpillar to butterfly.

why love starts fading ?

2009-12-29T06:53:00.002+08:00

We often tend to have a subconscious wish list of how we’d like our marriages to be: more time spent talking, more sharing of feelings, more compliments, no criticism, more affection, less judging. But to whom is this wish list addressed? Usually, our spouse! How many of us go around thinking: if only I could be more loving, more affectionate, more complimentary and warm toward my spouse?

So we are essentially hoping to receive rather than to give!

Perhaps this is why love starts fading when we each start wondering how we can get more out of our marriage, thinking about our expectations, how our spouse can give us more and what we are lacking. Instead of investing and giving, we are starting the taking cycle. The choice to dwell on our expectations of our spouse, then, might be the choice to actively allow the love to stagnate and fade away.

Turn towards each other

2009-12-26T07:04:00.001+08:00

When you pass your spouse sitting at her desk doing some work, do you stop and rub her shoulders, give her a kiss on the cheek, and whisper something nice in her ear -- or do you just walk on by? This is the meaning of "turning toward" as opposed to "turning away."

Marriage research shows that happily married couples do a lot of turning toward each other whenever they get the chance. They look for ways to be physically and emotionally close to each other. Turning toward each other means making each other your number one priority.

Another important aspect of turning toward each other is doing things together that you both enjoy. Taking walks together, drinking coffee together after dinner, learning Torah together, and listening to music together, are all examples of how couples turn toward each other.

A powerful way to turn toward each other is to show the ultimate respect -- by standing when your spouse enters the room. Sounds old-fashioned? It is. But it's a powerful way to turn toward your spouse, make him/her feel very special.

Couples who "turn away" from each other don't develop closeness. It's a basic principle stated in the Talmud, "A good deed begets another good deed. A bad deed begets another bad deed."

Seasons greeting

2009-12-25T07:10:00.000+08:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR

2009-12-24T06:58:00.000+08:00

Rituals are habits that build and strengthen a relationship. One couple had the following "greeting ritual" at night when the husband came home:

Our actions affect the way we feel. How are your greeting and good-bye rituals?

Here are some rituals you and your spouse should consider working on:

* Daily e-mailing each other with a compliment.

* Daily phone call. (especially important for husbands to do)

* Anniversaries deserve special attention. Plan to do something both of you really enjoy, rather than feeling stuck two days before your anniversary arrives and then running out to get some flowers.

* Before you turn in for the night, try saying two compliments to each other. This means coming up with something new each night!

* It is essential to have a "date night" at least every other week.

Good communication to resolve hot issues

2009-12-23T06:52:00.000+08:00

The technique that every couple must learn is called the "listener-speaker technique." The problem with the way most couples argue is that they try to find solutions before fully giving each other the chance to say what they need to say. The speaker-listener technique ensures that before you can engage in solution talk, each person feels they have been fully heard.

Here's how it works: One person holds an object in their hand which symbolizes that he or she has the floor. While one person has the floor, the other person can only listen by repeating back or paraphrasing what the other person said. The listener can stop the speaker if s/he is saying too much for the listener to repeat back.

When couples use this technique, it automatically ensures that each person will be able to say everything s/he needs to say without interruption, rebuttals, criticism or attack. Only after each person has been fully "heard," do you then proceed to problem solving.

Create a safe place to discuss issues openly and honestly

2009-12-22T06:46:00.000+08:00

Abusive relationships are ones in which you are afraid to express feelings and opinions. Happily married couples create a sense of safety that allows each person to feel comfortable expressing his/her feelings, problems, and dissatisfactions. This sense of safety is the foundation upon which a couple negotiates things that are bothering them.

It's common for each person to come into a relationship with certain expectations about how things will be. But without the ability to communicate and negotiate, these issues become sources for power struggles that almost always damage the relationship.

Today's Flower #1

2009-12-21T09:29:00.002+08:00

Give each other pleasure

2009-12-21T06:42:00.003+08:00

Happily married couples are committed to the goal of giving each other pleasure. You must stay focused on the ultimate goal -- which is to give each other pleasure and not cause pain. It sounds simple enough, but can be very hard in practice.

For just one day, try to maintain a consciousness with everything you do, by asking yourself, "Is what I'm about to do or say going to cause my spouse pain or pleasure?"

To monitor how you're doing, each of you should make two lists: One for all the things your spouse does to cause you pain, and another which identifies what you would like your spouse to do to give you pleasure. Swap lists, and now you know exactly what to do and what not to do. No more mind reading!

Camera Critters #1

2009-12-19T11:17:00.002+08:00

jealousy protects love

2009-12-14T15:03:00.004+08:00

All marriages have good times and some bad times. Don't let small issues develop into large ones.Occasional jealousy is natural and can help keep a relationship alive, but if it becomes intense and irrational it can very destructive.

We've all experienced jealousy at some time in our lives.In relationships where feelings of jealousy are mild and occasional, it reminds the couple not to take each other for granted. It can encourage couples to appreciate each other and make a conscious effort to make sure the other person feels valued.

Jealousy heightens emotions, making love feel stronger and sex more passionate. In small, manageable doses, jealousy can be a positive force in a relationship. But when it's intense or irrational, the story is very different.

Personality and Relationship

2009-12-10T23:32:00.002+08:00

Most of us are probably allured by the attractive notion that effortless relationships exist. Whether it be happily-ever-after marriages, or friendships which last forever, or parent/child bonds which supercede the need to understand each other, we'd all like to believe that our most intimate relationships are unconditional, and strong enough to withstand whatever may come. However, at some point in our lives most of us need to face the fact that relationships require effort to keep them strong and positive, and that even wonderful, strong relationships can be destroyed by neglect.

Whether you're looking to improve a love relationship, familial relationships, friendships, or employer/employee relationships, understanding your own personality type and the personality type of the other person involved in the relationship will bring a new dynamic to the situation, which will allow better understanding and communication. Although the different types of relationships have very different characteristics and specific needs, there are two basic areas which seem to be critical in all relationships..... Expectations and Communication.

Qualities of good relationship

2009-12-09T15:00:00.001+08:00

All relationships have some adjustment periods, but being hurt shouldn’t be part of being in love. Loving relationships have good qualities, such as support from your partner, a willingness to communicate, a desire to compromise, and open an honest communication. When you do not have these fundamental qualities in a relationship, that relationship isn’t likely to grow, and become something that you desire.

There are many qualities that make relationships, (1)good support, (2)compromise, and (3)open and honest communication are just a few of these qualities that you may desire in a relationship. Engage only in relationships where both partners can openly discuss their wants and needs, this can take practice. These three qualities alone will help you nurture and develop a deeper relationship with your partner.

How to have a happy marriage

2009-12-08T22:56:00.000+08:00

There are no such things as secrets to having a happy marriage. Most of what it takes to be happily married is infact real love. Once there is real love between a man and a woman, the rest of the things will almost fall into place. That is not to say there won't be some disagreements or cross words passed back and forth along your journey through life, as we are only human and certainly not perfect.But, having a genuine relationship full of real love helps to patch the holes in sometimes rough road of matrimony.

Eventhough there are no secrets for being happily married, there are some basic rules every man and woman should keep in mind.

Rule #1
Communication is essential for any relationship to flourish, especially between a husband and wife. Share your feelings, your thoughts, and discuss your mutual plans for the future. Along with communicating, take the time to actually get to know your husband or wife, and continue to know them as the years pass by. You might think you know each other when you got married, but, as times goes by, especially if you married at an early age, you and your spouse both will mature, evolve and change. Time as well as the events that will happen to both of you throughout your married life will change your relationship as well as your outlook on life. Don't be afraid of these changes, whether it happen to be your changing or your spouse's at the time. Just remember to recognize those changes and communicate with your spouse about them.

Rule #2
Be loyal and show your spouse that you are devoted to them, and them only. Be faithful to them as well as supportive. Your spouse should be your confidante, your best friend, your safe haven in the storms of life as well as your exclusive lover. While you and your spouse will have loving relationships with family and friends, your marital relationship is exclusive and very special, and cannot be shared with anyone else.

Rule #3
Spend plenty of quality time together, but remember to allow each other to have ample time alone. Even though you are a married unit, and you will want to spend time together enjoying your favorite activities, or just sit together and relax at home, each of you is still a separate individual with certain likes and dislikes. You both need time alone to enjoy hobbies that you might enjoy, but your spouse doesn't. Don't think that because you are married, that you are joined at the hip and cannot do anything on your own. You both need equal time alone to think and organize your own thoughts or simply to wind down.

Rule #4
Be realistic about love and marriage, and especially, be realistic about your sex life. No matter how hard you may try, your marriage will not be perfect. As time goes by and changes occur in your lives together, your sexual relationship will also change. Most couples experience stars and skyrockets at the onset of their sexual relationship, but due to lack of time, energy, and other factors that come into play, things are bound to change. Probably the most common change will be that you and your spouse will not have sex as often as you did when you first were married. If this bothers you, or any other changes, talk openly and honestly to your spouse about your feelings and concerns.

Rule #5
Last, but certainly not least, work things out together. If you have a disagreement, which there are bound to be many throughout your married life, don't let things get out of hand. Talk things over as calmly as possible and agree or learn to compromise on a solution to the problem, then kiss and make-up and go on. Don't hold grudges against each other. And don't make the mistake of taking each other for granted either. Life is full of uncertainties, but death is certain. None of us know exactly how much time we have on this planet, and how much time we have to enjoy the company of our spouses, so don't waste it on not getting along!

Committed Relationship

2009-12-07T22:43:00.000+08:00

Relationships are essential if you want to live your life to the fullest. In fact, relationships should be your top priority. That’s why we all need to learn how to build good relationships. Good relationships not only help us meet our needs but also make our life more fulfilling.

Fundamental to a strong relationship is commitment. Commitment to making the relationship strong and healthy is the foundation on which it can grow. Relationships take work. They take effort. Like life itself, relationships are dynamic, ever changing because we are ever changing. A strong relationship requires continuous nurturing, and that takes commitment.

Commitment to the relationship means unconditionally caring about maintaining and improving the relationship, even during times of anger or disappointment. There may be times when you aren't even sure you like the other person, but if you're committed you'll spend the effort to sustain the relationship during tough times.

Welcome!

2009-12-02T22:13:00.000+08:00

We are pleased to announce the start of the The bright side shines through. We will be frequently posting ideas, concepts, suggestions, and anything else that comes to our minds to help in your aid to success.

Welcome to 0ur blog. Here you’ll also find posts related to almost all aspects of life, with some random thoughts thrown in for good measure.